


This Place Is Not My Home (I See Heaven in Your Eyes)

by lj_todd



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Always a Girl Oliver, Angst, Episode Related, Family, Home, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-13 18:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3391670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lj_todd/pseuds/lj_todd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was not something she would ever admit, to anyone, but Olivia had never truly felt like she'd come home. She'd buried her home on Lian Yu. In its soil and in its water.</p>
<p>Home had been dark hair and two sets of dark eyes. Home was no longer hers to love or hold. She'd destroyed it. Letting death claim one and driven the other to the brink of madness.</p>
<p>She'd come back to her city to save it, to atone for her sins, but can sins ever truly be forgiven?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Place is Not My Home

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt - Set your music player to random. Write a story based on the song that comes on.  
> (The song: "Outside Looking In" by The Letter Black)

It was not something she would ever admit, to anyone, but Olivia had never truly felt like she'd come home. 

She'd buried her home on Lian Yu. In its soil and in its water.

Returning to Starling City had felt no different than returning to Hong Kong had after the fishermen had rescued her from Lian Yu. She acted like it was. Acted like she was thrilled and relieved to be back in Starling, back with her family, but deep down, beyond the mask she presented to world, beyond the scars that served to forever remind her of her time in purgatory, she felt wrong. Out of place. Like she was a stranger in the world that had once been her playground.

Diggle was the only one who really noticed anything was amiss.

But Diggle had been a soldier, he understood what it was to return home and have it no longer be home. He understood that sometimes had to make the hell you were living in, fighting in, your home because it was the only way to survive. He understood that sometimes you just couldn't go back.

And despite knowing he understood, that he would listen, Olivia didn't talk to him about it. She pretended not to see the looks he gave her. The ones that told her he would be there when she was ready to talk. She pretended not to see them because she knew she'd never be ready to talk about why home wasn't home anymore or what had taken its place.

She carried that secret like she carried countless others.

It wasn't hard to fake that everything was fine. She'd had lots of practice.

And then Slade Wilson returned from the dead.

Bringing with him memories of home and family and things Olivia had fought for so long to bury. Things that threatened to drag her down and tear her apart more than Slade did.

Seeing him, standing in her mother's house, in that dark suit, hair speckled with silver at his temples, dark patch hiding the ruined eye she had long ago destroyed, looking for all the world like he belonged in the world of millionaires and mayoral candidates, she finally, after nearly two years of being back in Starling, felt a sense of familiarity. 

Of family. 

Of home.

Even when he threatened the people she cared for, had come to love and let into her life, she still felt it.

When he abducted her and her family, taking them to a secluded spot, leaving her bound, helpless, on the ground as he prowled behind her mother and sister, she felt her heart hammer painfully against her ribs, her stomach rolling as she remembered Ivo doing this. Of forcing her to choose who lived and who died. 

Struggling to sit up she looked at Slade trying to see something of the man she had known before Ivo, before the Mirakuru, but all she saw was rage and hate and madness.

"I've often wondered," Slade said, crouching down so they were at eye level. "How you looked, when he pointed the gun at Shado and took her from me."

Olivia made a low, hurt sound. Her pain and fear and anger mixing and clawing through her veins like poison. "Slade..."

"Did she cry? Did she beg you to save her?"

The memory of Shado flashed through her mind. The look on the other woman's face as she'd knelt there, looking up at her with eyes that expressed more than words ever could. She could almost see Shado right in front of her, forced to her knees, hands bound behind her back, looking at her with large dark eyes. Both of them knowing no matter who she chose Ivo was going to kill them all. It was a memory that had haunted her for years.

She drew a breath and shook her head as tears filled her eyes, dotting her lashes with every blink.

"No. She...She didn't say a word."

Slade snarled. "Because she expected you to choose her! To save _her_!"

"No." Olivia shook her head again, the tears sliding down her cheeks even as Thea sobbed, demanding to know what was going on, what they were talking about. "No that's not it."

Slade's hand curled around her throat, cutting off her air and threatening to crush her windpipe, the fury in his eye was like a living, breathing creature.

"Do not lie to me!"

Her lips were numb and she was lightheaded but she managed to force the words out.

"I'm...I'm not...I'm not, _ipo_..."

Slade snarled again and his grip tightened a fraction, bruises, in the shape of his fingers, already beginning to form on Olivia's throat. "DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" He shook her and she choked, gasping uselessly for air. "YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!"

She was surprised when he released her, jerking away from her as though she had burned him and, coughing and gasping for much needed air, she watched him as he stood, towering over her, looking at her as she had seen him look at Wintergreen the day he'd killed the man. She watched as he moved to stand behind her mother and sister, drawing a gun from beneath his coat, cocking the hammer back.

"Choose."

Olivia refused, demanding he kill her instead, that his revenge be against her, not her mother and sister. He roared at her to choose. They were both surprised when Moira, though clearly terrified, managed to get to her feet.

"We both know there's only one way this ends, don't we, Mr Wilson," the eldest Queen woman said as she turned to face Slade. He looked at her even as Thea sobbed, demanding to know what Moira was doing. " _Both_ my children will live."

Slade lifted the gun, aiming at Moira's head, and Olivia began to struggle harder, even as Moira told Thea to close her eyes. 

"Slade! Slade, don't...don't do this! Please!" Olivia cried out but Slade didn't so much as glance in her direction. "Please! Please, _ipo_ , please!"

When Slade drew a breath, finger starting to tighten on the trigger, Olivia knew she had only one chance to save her mother.

"We wanted to be with you!"

Slade stilled, though he still didn't look at her, and Olivia pressed on, even though she was sobbing and felt like she was being torn apart form the inside out.

"We...We thought you were dead...thought we'd lost you..." She forced away the memory of him sitting on the submarine's floor, blood streaking from his eyes, still and lifeless. "And we...we knew Ivo wouldn't let us live...We just wanted...wanted to be with you!"

She looked at him, blocking out Thea's cries, her demands to know what she was talking about.

"Shado...Shado looked at me and...and we knew...we both knew what was going to happen and...and we were...okay...with it. Because...Because it meant we'd...we'd be together again. The three of us."

Finally Slade looked at her but she just kept talking, the words flowing like water through a crack in a dam, she couldn't stop it.

"We...We were a family and you were gone and...and we both felt it...felt that our home was gone with...without you...so we were ready...ready to die...to be with you. To go home with you!" She remembered how Shado had smiled at her, how she'd known her friend, her lover, was ready to go. How they'd both been ready. "You...You kept me alive...on that godforsaken island and...and without you...I couldn't breath...I felt like...like my home...my family...had been ripped away. Shado felt it too." She let out a broken sob, hanging her head, body shaking. "We wanted you...wanted to be together...I'm sorry...I'm so...so fucking sorry...we didn't know...and then Shado was gone...and you weren't...and I didn't know what to do...how to tell you...I was so afraid...I...I'm sorry...I'm sorry, _ipo_..."

"Kid."

The way he said the word had her sobbing harder because it sounded just like before Ivo had destroyed their lives, before they'd been ripped apart by death and lies and half-truths.

"I thought...I thought coming back to Starling would...would feel like coming home but...but it didn't...because you...you and Shado were my home. You were my home...my family...my everything...and I failed you...I failed you both..."

She looked at him, seeing he'd lowered the gun, that he was looking at her with an unreadable expression.

"You're my home, Slade," she whispered. "My family...but...if you need...need to end this so badly...then choose me...kill me...because...because without you and Shado...I'm already dead."

Moira cried her name when Slade moved close enough to press the muzzle of the gun to her forehead and Thea screamed, swearing she'd kill Slade if he hurt her, but as she looked up at him she found she couldn't hate him for this. Once he squeezed the trigger she'd be with Shado. And they could wait for him together. However long it took they'd wait for him, for the last of their family, their home, to come back to them.

Blinking back her tears she smiled.

 _" Kei te aroha au ki a koe,"_ she whispered to him.

_I love you._

She closed her eyes. She wouldn't make him look her in the eye as he killed her. She'd give him that at least. And she waited for him to finish it.

Nothing happened.

She heard movement, could still hear Thea sobbing, and she had just started to open her eyes when someone wrapped their arms around her, startling her, and she was surprised when her Moira cried in her ear, stroking her hair back as Thea launched herself at them, hugging them both. Looking around she found Slade had cut her mother and sister free and had disappeared.

Closing her eyes again she felt that aching, hollowness inside her grow a little more.

Her home, her family, was gone again.


	2. Wish You Could Hear The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the song "I'd Be Lying" by The Material

Being locked up in a cell, cured of the Mirakuru that had turned his mind in a rage filled minefield, Slade had nothing but time on his hands. Time to sit and think and nearly drive himself crazy with memories he'd just as soon forget. Memories of Shado. Of failing her. Memories of Olivia. Of her telling him, over and over again, what she and Shado had thought after his supposed death.

He tried not to think of Olivia. Tried not to remember how she'd looked up at him as he'd pressed a gun to her forehead, so ready to die, to give him her death if it meant helping him to move on from the ugliness of their past. Tried not to remember how she closed her eyes, not to block out the sight of her impending death, but to spare him the memory of seeing the life leave her eyes.

Like she'd been forced to watch it leave his. Leave Shado's.

He shook his head.

Olivia was the reason Shado was dead.

She was the reason they'd both lost the woman they loved.

If she'd only chosen Shado instead of Sara.

_"We were a family and you were gone and we both felt it. Felt that our home was gone without you. So we were ready to die. To be with you."_

Olivia's words echoed through his mind, whispering to him that all she'd wanted, all Shado had wanted, was to be with him again. To not be alone. Without family. Without home. And, like every time the memory surfaced, he crushed it without mercy. She'd made her choice. No matter what she said she had made her choice. And it hadn't been Shado. 

Or him.

The sound of the main door opening drew Slade's attention and, like every time that door opened, he just continued to lie on his little bunk, knowing it was just some ARGUS flunky brining in his food or water.

"Mr Wilson."

The voice didn't belong to any of the guards and it held an air of superiority, of sophistication, that just didn't seem to belong in this godforsaken hole. Turning his head he looked to find a man, dressed in a wool overcoat and well tailored suit standing just beyond the door of his cell. The man definitely was not part of ARGUS. Looking back up at the ceiling as the man walked closer he didn't even bother to sit up as he spoke.

"Mr Merlyn."

There was a slight hesitance in the man's steps and Slade almost grinned.

"You know who I am."

"I did my homework," was Slade's gruff reply. "I know you're not part of ARGUS. So, what are you doing here? Come to spring me from purgatory?"

"No."

Slade snorted. "I didn't think so." He turned his head, looking at Merlyn again. "So what do you want, Mr Merlyn?"

Merlyn stared at him for a moment, face unreadable, an impressive feat, and was quiet for so long Slade was about to snarl at him to just spit it the hell out already when the man finally spoke.

"Olivia Queen is dead."

The words were delivered like Merlyn was discussing the weather or the latest sports scores. Flat and emotionless.

Slade didn't buy it.

"Right," he growled, finally rising from his bunk, prowling towards the bars of his cell, leaning against them as he regarded Merlyn. "Want to try again?"

Merlyn's expression never changed. "What reason would I have to lie?"

"What reason do I have to believe you?"

Merlyn reached into his coat, holding up a sword, the blade stained with enough blood that it was obvious the victim was dead. The style of the sword was something Slade had seen during his travels in Europe. In the hands of a man he had wisely, and carefully, avoided drawing the attention of. But just because Merlyn had a blood stained sword that he knew belonged to one of the most lethal men on the planet it didn't mean the blood on it was Olivia's.

"A bloody sword? That's your proof?"

Merlyn tucked the sword away again. "There's also this. I found it on the mountain top with the sword, wrapped around the hilt as a sort of...memorial, I suppose."

Merlyn pulled something was his pocket, holding it up and letting the chain dangle from between his fingers, the black tags swinging slightly.

Slade felt his heart leap into his throat as he watched his old dog tags swing through the air. The dog tags he'd given to Olivia that first year on Lian Yu. Back before Shado had joined them. Before Shado had completed them. Back when, in quiet, private moments at night, he'd imagined a life far from the island with the beautiful blonde. Back when everything had still be good. 

Everything in him screamed in protest. It couldn't be. There was no way that Merlyn could have his tags because the only way Olivia would have parted with them was if she had truly...

Slade had always thought hearing of Olivia's death would fill him with joy. With satisfaction.

But instead he felt cold.

Felt broken.

He felt like he had when he had burst into that clearing and found Shado, dead, on the ground.

Without a word, without any warning, his hand lashed out between the bars, ensnaring Merlyn's wrist in a powerful, nearly bone crushing grip before, in a swift, unstoppable move, he stepped back, slamming Merlyn into the bars, taking pleasure in the way the man grunted, the sound of flesh bending beneath the unforgiveable steel bars. His one eye flashed with savage rage and he would have given Merlyn credit for not flinching, for showing no fear, but all he could focus on was that this man spoke of the death of Olivia Queen like it was nothing. Like it didn't matter.

"These are mine," he snarled as he took his tags from Merlyn's grip before shoving the man away before turning his back on him.

"You were her mentor," Merlyn said but Slade didn't turn back around. He had nothing else to say to the man. "I thought you should know."

He listened to the retreating footsteps.

Listened to the door open and close.

As silence fell around him he looked down at the tags held tightly in his hand.

He'd given them to Olivia as a sign of friendship. A sign of hope. For the future. Their future.

He slowly made his way back to his bunk, sinking down onto it, turning those old, worn tags over and over between his fingers. They'd been rubbed smooth in places. The result of someone's thumb or finger. Olivia's thumb or finger.

How often had she looked at these stupid tags and thought about him? About Shado? Had she tortured herself over her choices? Had she hated herself? Had she driven herself to the point of madness thinking of _what if_ and _what could have been_? He'd always assumed that she'd left the tags on the island or locked them away once she'd made it home. To hear she'd been wearing them when she'd died, had probably been wearing them all these years, was like a kick in the gut.

She'd probably been wearing them that night in the woods.

The night he'd threatened to kill her mother or her sister.

The night she'd admitted, in front of them, that she'd been planning to die all those years ago.

Because of him.

For him.

_"I love you."_

Her words whispered through his mind and his mind immediately conjured up tormenting images of her, alone, frightened, on some cliff top facing off against one of the most lethal men in the world. She would have fought, tooth and nail, as fierce as a wild cat, but against Ra's al Ghul she was nothing. A fly to be swatted. Had she thought of him? In her final moments? When she looked at Ra's, as the man had ended her life, had she thought of him? Of Shado?

His heart clenched as some treacherous part of him whispered that he'd lost both of the women he loved. That he'd failed them both. Shado because he hadn't been fast enough. Olivia because he'd been too crazed to be trusted out in the world.

Again Olivia's voice whispered through his mind, telling him she loved him, and he snarled as he slammed his fist into the metal frame of his bunk.

The pain did nothing to dim the emotions rolling through him.

Looking again at the dog tags he felt like shards of glass were being pushed into his heart.

He was alone.

Completely and utterly alone.

Olivia's words, of her and Shado wanting to be with him, of loving him so much they didn't want to live without him, whispered again through his mind and he blinked, watching the tears drip onto the back of his hand. When he had died both Olivia and Shado had been there. And Shado had had Olivia with her when she'd died. But Olivia had been alone. She hadn't had the simple comfort of knowing someone she loved, who loved her, was with her at the end.

His fist clenched around the dog tags and his body shook as more tears spilled down his face.

He shouldn't care about her death.

He shouldn't.

She was the reason Shado was dead.

The reason he'd been broken and had lost his mind for nearly five years.

But he could see her, in his mind, his memories, smiling and laughing, looking at him like he was the greatest person on the planet. Like he was all she would ever need. He saw her looking at him with love and adoration. And then, in the span of a heartbeat, those images changed. Replaced by images of her alone and frightened, bleeding out on some cold mountain. Crying out for Shado. For him. Begging for forgiveness. Begging for them, for someone, to save her.

He didn't realize he was sobbing until he slammed his fist into the edge of the bunk again, the skin on his knuckles splitting, blood slowly oozing forth, trying to force those images away, unable to handle it. When he started hearing her voice, whispering she loved him, over and over, he found it impossible to think of anything but Olivia dying.

Looking down at the dog tags still clenched tightly in his hand, tears dripping off his face, he tried to force himself to remember her as she had been. Bright and vibrant and beautiful. But all he just kept picturing was her face, pale, eyes void of life and blood staining the ground beneath her.

He'd always thought Olivia's death would be the greatest moment of his life.

Instead he felt like what little of his soul had been left was ripped away.

Was this what Olivia had felt when she'd thought both he and Shado had died? This crushing, overwhelming sense of despair and emptiness? If so how had she survived? How had she found the strength to endure and carry on? 

He made a broken sound and squeezed his eye shut, trying to block out the images, the sound of her voice, even as he buried his face in his hands, wishing the world would just disappear. Wishing he could forget he had had never met or fallen in love with Olivia Queen.


	3. Does It Hurt When You Breathe Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song "Can't Forget You" by My Darkest Days

Travelling to Lian Yu, to train with Thea, to regain what Merlyn called her killer instinct, was not thrilling for Olivia. But despite her discomfort, despite not wanting Thea on the island, she went along with the idea, keeping a sliver of hope that it might work. That she could find some way to come to terms with having to take a life again. During that first, while sparing with Thea, she realized what Merlyn had wanted. He wanted her to confront Slade, to be reminded of what had made her a killer. And so she went to the man's cell, thinking to talk to him, to lay their demons to rest if she could.

She hadn't been prepared to find his cell empty save for a dead guard.

She knew then what Merlyn's plan had truly been.

He expected Olivia and Thea to kill Slade before the man could make it to their plane and leave them stranded on the island.

Leading Thea through the woods, being as careful as she dared, she went to the graves where her father, Yao-Fei and Shado were buried, retrieving the gun she had hidden there and giving it to Thea. She had just noticed the disturbance in the grass and soil by Shado's grave, a sign that Slade had been there, when Thea spoke.

"Why is your name carved on that piece of wood?"

Olivia blinked and had just looked at the log Thea was pointing at, barely seeing what her sister saw, when Slade burst from the bushes with a savage snarl. Tken by surprise, combined with Slade's fury was enough that, after a sharp blow, Olivia was knocked unconscious. When she came to she found Slade had locked both her and Thea in his cell. She spotted her sister as she sat up on the cot and was relieved that she seemed to be okay.

"You okay," she asked, needing to be certain and Thea nodded but her attention was quickly drawn to Slade.

"She's unhurt," the man spoke from where he was leaning against the bars of the cell, back to them. "I have no desire to kill either of you."

That surprised Olivia. She'd been certain Slade would go after her sister again. Especially since he'd claimed he would one day keep his promise to strip everyone she loved from her life. She said nothing, merely watched as Slade turned to look at her, dressed in the dead guard's uniform. She wasn't certain what she saw in his dark eye but it wasn't the same hatred that had been there a year ago.

"This time tomorrow," Slade said as he took hold of the bars, meeting Olivia's gaze. "Two bodies will be found in Starling City. Burned beyond any recognition but with ample evidence that Olivia and Thea Queen have been killed in some horrible accident." He gave Olivia a cold glare before turning and slowly beginning to walk away. "I'm going to leave you, kid, like you left me. Alone in purgatory."

"Then you leave me," Olivia shot to her feet, stepping towards the bars. "And you let my sister go."

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Thea stand but her focus remained on Slade, who paused and, she could tell from the set of his shoulders, was keeping tight rein over his rage. She remembered that stance well from their days on the island together. He turned and she half expected him to yell but, even though there was a sharpness to his tone, he never raised his voice as he spoke.

"You're lucky I didn't drop her off a cliff before burying you next to Shado."

Olivia felt a sharp pain in her chest, like a knife being twisted, even as she thought about what she and Thea had seen at the grave markers. Her name. Next to Shado's.

"Merlyn told you."

It was a guess but judging from the way he looked at her she was right. Before she could press on that, learn just what Merlyn had said, or why Slade had placed a grave marker for her in their little cemetery in the first place, Slade was speaking again, but this time to Thea.

"Did your sister tell you about her," he asked, searching Thea's face for some sign of understanding, of knowing who he was talking about. When he saw none he gave a low sound. "Shado is the reason why this is all happening." He stepped closer to the bars even as Thea did the same, her expression hard and cold. "Why I tried to kill you and your mother."

Thea snarled as she stepped closer to the bars, looking more like Merlyn than she ever had before. "She doesn't need to," she all but growled, glaring at Slade as though she could kill him with sheer will alone. "I figured out you're a sick son of a bitch all on my own!"

Slade nodded. "Well of course she didn't tell you," he said, still sounding so calm. "Your sister likes her secrets." His attention shifted back to Olivia then. "You always have. That's who you are.

"You know maybe if you had told me what really happened with Shado none of this would have happened!" 

His voice finally rose above that false calm, the rage apparent, and Olivia snarled back reflexively, an old habit left over from their time together.

"That's enough!"

"I agree," Slade slammed his hand against the bars as he spoke and for a moment they just stared at one another, Olivia keenly aware of Thea's gaze shifting from Slade to her, but in that moment all she wanted to do, more than get the hell out of that cell, was to comfort Slade. To tell him she understood why he felt he had to do all of this. Why he hated her. Why he could never forgive her. She had just drawn a breath, about to speak, to tell him that, when he turned and began to walk away.

"Welcome home, kid," he threw the words over his shoulder and Olivia realized he wasn't going to turn back this time, wouldn't be goaded into talking to her again, even when she shouted his name. He just walked away, the outer door shutting firmly behind him.

It took some effort, and a bit of pain on Thea's part, in order to reach the switch to open the cell but eventually they did make it out. Running through the forest, hoping to beat Slade to the plane, Olivia almost forgot about one of the booby-traps until she saw the carefully groomed path and, after Thea rushed forward, she barely managed to save her sister from being gourd, taking one of the sharpened stakes to her shoulder in the process. 

As they sat there, Olivia yanking the stake free, Thea's questions, her demands for answers, became too much and she finally broke down, telling Thea about Merlyn manipulating her into killing Sara. Seeing the broken look in Thea's eyes, the pain, made her wish she could take it back, but before she could try and comfort or reassure her sister Slade was there, grabbing Thea from behind and aiming a gun at her head. Thea surprised him though by fighting her way free, using what Merlyn had taught her against him.

And even though Thea had just proven she could handle herself against him Olivia still tackled Slade, ignoring the pain in her shoulder as she slammed into him, knocking them both down the hill. The fight that happened once they reached the bottom left Olivia in agony as Slade hadn't pulled any of his strikes and had purposely aimed for her injured shoulder. Even when Thea joined the fight Olivia wasn't certain they could take Slade. She screamed when he got behind her, twisting her arm back with one hand while applying sharp pressure to her shoulder with the other.

"I've yet to make good with my promise, kid," he hissed in her ear and she thought for a moment he was going to kill her, or Thea, or both of them, but then Thea attacked again, using a branch she'd picked up to knock Slade away from her and to his knees. When Thea pulled the gun Slade had dropped earlier a horrible feeling went through Olivia as she watched her sister aim the gun at Slade, the intent more than clear.

Slade was between them and for one sickening moment Olivia was thrust back in time. She could hear Ivo telling her to choose.

When Slade began taunting her sister, trying to goad her into shooting him, into proving she was a killer just like her big sister, Olivia immediately tried to reason with Thea, trying to convince her sister to not be what Merlyn wanted. She thought she'd gotten through to her until Thea levelled the gun once more, taking aim at Slade's chest, finger slowly beginning to tighten on the trigger. It was her sister's eyes, more than anything, that told her that Thea meant to do it. And, just before Thea could fire, Olivia moved.

She threw herself at Slade's back, knocking him sideways just as the shot rang out, he swore loudly, the bullet having passed through his arm, a flesh wound, and she looked up at Thea who was shouting, demanding to know why she'd saved the man who'd tried to murder their mother. Her sister was still holding the gun, still aiming it, and Olivia once more reacted out of instinct. In a series of quick, sure movements, she disarmed her sister.

"He'll pay for his crimes," she snarled, glaring at her sister. "But not like this."

Thea glared back, clearly unhappy with the situation, but she helped Olivia herd Slade back to his cell where, once he was back in his prisoners uniform, Olivia tended to the gunshot wound. Once Slade was locked back in his cell he taunted Thea a bit, telling her she wasn't quite the killer her sister was. Thea gave him a flat look. Telling him she wished that was true before she turned and left, no longer wanting to be anywhere near the man.

Olivia, however, lingered.

"She's lost, your sister," Slade said and Olivia shook her head.

"She's not." She couldn't, wouldn't, believe that. Even if she knew Slade was right. She had to believe there was still hope for Thea.

"You can see it in her eyes," Slade replied, looking at her through the bars of his cell. "She's been touched by darkness. Was it Merlyn?" Though Olivia didn't reply Slade was able to draw his own conclusions. After all, he wasn't stupid. "Interesting man. To do that to his own daughter. So now you've lost your father, the woman you loved, and now your little sister."

"I haven't lost Thea. Not yet."

Olivia shook her head again, keenly aware of Slade's gaze tracking the movement, though she suspected he was taking in the fact that she'd cut her hair off. She remembered his protests against her doing so their first year on the island. She remembered how he'd braided it back every day just so she wouldn't cut it off. She self-consciously lifted her hand, fingers brushing over the short, spiky strands and Slade's gaze followed the movement. Letting out a low sigh, knowing talking to him would accomplish nothing, she turned and started towards the door.

Of course that was when he spoke again.

"Why did you fight Ra's al Ghul?"

She stilled and slowly turned back. "What makes you think I did?"

"Don't play stupid," he growled at her. "Tell me why you faced him."

Olivia sighed and ran a hand through her hair, wishing she hadn't had Tatsu cut it quite so short, she really wanted to tug at it like she always had when stressed. "For Thea." She drew a deep breath. "Because Merlyn framed Thea for the death of a member of the League. I faced him to save her and I died."

"Obviously not."

"I did die, Slade," she said, remembering what Tatsu had told her, that her heart had stopped, twice, before she and Maseo got her stabilized. She reached down and pulled her shirt up, showing him the two new scars she'd gained. "He nearly gutted me," she touched the scar on her side and then the one on her chest. "And then he ran me through."

She remembered that the clearest. The burning pain in her chest, the cold of the air against her bare skin and the crunch of the snow beneath her knees. She lowered her shirt and sighed. "You don't care about any of this though." She shook her head. "You would have been happy if I had just stayed dead."

Slade regarded her silently for a moment. "What did you think about? Before you died?"

She shook her head again. "What does it matter to you, Slade?"

"What did you think about?"

She said nothing, she merely turned, starting towards the door, she wasn't going to play this game with him. She made it all of three steps before he called after her.

"What did you think about, kid?"

With an angry snarl she whirled back around, marching towards his cell, all but shouting at him.

"You want to know what I thought about? What went through my mind as I knelt on that cliff top? As I felt my life slipping away?" She slammed her hand against the bars, glaring at him, feeling the rage twist inside of her like a knife. "I thought of Shado! Of you!

I thought about the first time I met you! The first time you smiled at me because I finally did something right! I thought about how I felt when you would hold me after I'd woken up screaming from a nightmare because of what Wintergreen had done to me! I thought about the first time you told me you loved me and the first time we made love!"

She didn't realize she was crying until she felt the tears on her face. And she snarled again, hating that she was so weak when it came it him. Hating that, though she had tried to forget him, to pretend they had never shared anything but hatred, she had never been able to put him fully from her thoughts or memories. She hated that she could move on from him. That she loved him despite everything that had happened between them.

"You want to know what I thought about, Slade?" She smiled bitterly even as she sobbed lightly. "I thought about you. Is that what you wanted to hear? What you wanted me to admit? That I thought about you and Shado and what we had before I screwed everything up? That all I wanted, even as Ra's pushed me off that cliff, was to see you one last time? To tell you how sorry I am for failing you? For failing Shado? Is that what you want to hear?"

Slade was looking at her in the strangest way. She couldn't decipher it and that just served to make the tears fall faster, to make the hurt and the anger burn brighter.

"I've tried...tried so hard...to forget...to forget that I love you just because...because living without you is like having a goddamn knife in my chest. Always twisting. Always reminding me that it's my own damn fault that I lost both you and Shado. I carry that, Slade, I will always carry that. No matter how hard I try to make myself forget, how hard I fight to bury it all, I can't. I can't forget."

"Kid..."

He started to move, to reach for her hand, still resting against the bars, but she pulled back, stepping away from the cell.

"I love you," she whispered, tears spilling silently down her face, looking at him and silently begging whatever deity would listening that he could just understand, for even a moment, how sorry she was and how deeply she still loved him. "I love you so much and it's killing me, Slade."

She couldn't handle looking at him anymore, her emotions were a hurricane she couldn't fight, couldn't control, and she knew she had to get away. She had thought she could handle facing him but she couldn't. Quickly turning away she started to leave again only to stop when he said her name. She didn't turn back, not until he called her kid, and she stood there as he tossed something to her through the bars, she reflexively caught it and, opening her hand, she felt her heart leap into her throat.

His dog tags.

The ones she'd taken off before facing Ra's.

Looking up at him she found he was leaning against the bars.

"They're yours," he said softly. "They've always been yours."

She didn't say anything, merely nodded, before turning and walking away.

The door closing quietly behind her.


	4. And All I Got Left is Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song "Memories" by EarlyRise

Returning to Starling, watching Thea confront Merlyn, seeing what Thea had wanted so desperately to work out fall about around her, stirred mixed emotions in Olivia.

On one hand she was glad her sister had finally seen the danger that Merlyn posed but on the other she hated that Thea had learned just what Merlyn had done to her, had made her do.

Leaving the loft she made her way to the roof, the night was cool around her and, for a moment, she thought of the mountaintop where she'd nearly died. She could feel that bitter cold against her skin, the bite of the sword as it passed through her chest, hear the whisper of the prayer Ra's had spoken. She shook those memories away as she walked to the edge of the roof, staring out at the city before slowly sitting down, legs dangling over the edge of the building.

Her thoughts were a whirlwind and she didn't know how to quiet them.

Drawing a deep breath she reached up and pulled Slade's tags from beneath her shirt, turning the tiny pieces of metal over in her fingers, thumb brushing over the stamped letters, Slade's name. His words when he'd given them back to her echoed through her mind.

_"They're yours. They've always been yours."_

She stared at the tags even as she thought of the grave markers, of Slade telling her she was lucky he hadn't buried her next to Shado. But he had, in a sense, buried her there. He might not have had a body but he had left her name next to Shado's, had given her a place to rest next to the woman they had both loved.

A small smile spread across her face as her thoughts turned to the past, to when she had first met Slade. To their days spent training, hoping to get her skilled enough that they could take the supply plane and get off that godforsaken island. When she remembered how Shado had eventually joined them, helping them both, bringing them closer together her smile widened. She remembered every day spent with them, days of training, of laughing, of learning to live in what had once been nothing but hell. She remembered nights falling asleep with them curled around her and mornings waking to lazy kisses and touches.

She remembered how they'd talked about what sort of life they would have once they'll finally got off the island. She remembered expressing that she would live wherever they wanted, that she was willing to give up her playgirl lifestyle in Starling for them. It had surprised them but they had all laughed and lain together, talking about living in China or Australia or anywhere in the world that they wanted. Shado had expressed a desire to travel, to see the world, while Slade had made it pretty clear he didn't care where they went or lived so long as they were all together.

Feeling tears rolling down her cheeks she reached up and wiped the tears away.

Everything had been good back then. Even if they were stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere.

And then it had all gone to hell with the arrival of Ivo and his men.

She tried to push the memory of Slade, sitting on the floor of the submarine, blood oozing from his eyes, the memory of Shado, kneeling, looking up at her with acceptance in her eyes right before Ivo shot her, from her mind. But those images were burned into her mind. She hadn't been exaggerating when she'd told Slade she carried the guilt of her decisions like a knife in her chest. She hadn't exaggerated when she'd said that guilt ate at her every day. Most days she was able to ignore it, to pretend it wasn't there, to carry on and be who her friends, her family and her city needed her to be.

Rubbing her thumb over the tag again she found her mind going back to her conversation with Slade before she'd left him once more in his cell. The way he'd looked at her as she told him what she'd thought while on that mountaintop with Ra's. What she'd thought of in her final moments. She didn't know what he'd been thinking, or feeling, his face a mask as she'd poured her pain out to him.

"Ollie?"

She turned at the sound of Thea's voice, surprised her sister was there. "How did you know where I was?"

Thea held up her phone. "Binged your phone."

Olivia chuckled as Thea walked over and sat next to her. "So...brooding right now seems like it should be my thing," Thea said as she looked at her sister. "So why are you the one hiding on the roof crying?"

Olivia scrubbed at her cheeks, trying to get rid of the tears. "Just...a lot on my mind," she said, her thumb still rubbing over the tags held tightly in her grip.

"Like Slade and...and Shado?"

Olivia tensed.

"Thea..."

"He made it pretty clear that whoever Shado was she...she was important enough for him to kill." Thea gave Olivia a gentle look. "I swore I'd never...never ask about the island and what happened to you there because it was clear you...you weren't ready to talk about it but...but this thing between you and Slade whatever it is...whatever it was...it's...it's eating you alive. You have to open up, Ollie, you got to let someone in."

Olivia looked down at the tags in her hand, rubbing her thumb over Slade's name and she started to think, after all they'd been through, after all she'd already shared with Thea, all she'd risked by keeping secrets from her sister. She let out a soft sigh and looked at Thea. 

"You're right," she said softly, fingers tightening around the tags.

And so, with a deep breath, Olivia told her sister how she'd met Slade, how the man had trained her to fight, to survive, how he had grown to be such an important part of her life. She told Thea about how Shado had eventually joined them, how Shado had changed her training, taught her the bow. She told Thea how, even on that damnable island, the three of them had made some sort of life, had created a home, in each other, with each other. When she started talking about what happened with Ivo, what Ivo had done, what she'd done to save Slade, how she'd lied to him, her heart pounded so hard against her ribs she was surprised Thea didn't hear it. 

She told Thea about how both she and Shado had known Ivo wasn't going to let them live and how they'd both been okay with that. She felt Thea tense, the idea of her sister willingly going to her death just a bit too much and she quickly pressed on. When she spoke of Shado's death she had to keep pausing, fighting down the hurt and guilt in order to get the words out. She explained about Slade, how the Mirakuru had saved him, changed him, and how her lies about Shado's death had turned his rage against her. She skipped over Slade's torture of her, feeling Thea didn't need to know of that, but told her about the fight where she'd had to make the decision between curing Slade and killing him.

"I was going to let him live," Olivia said softly, the metal of the tags digging into her palm. "Even when he threatened my family because...because I was so certain the Mirakuru had driven him mad but then...then I moved and...and when I blinked...I'd embedded the arrow in his eye."

"But it didn't kill him," Thea breathed and Olivia nodded.

"The Mirakuru saved him."

"But you cured him of that. Him and all his...his thugs."

Olivia nodded.

"I did but the Mirakuru only enhanced him...enhanced his...his rage...but it wasn't responsible for it." She tucked the tags back beneath her shirt. "My lies...my fears...I was responsible for turning him into what he became."

Thea said nothing for a moment, just stared at Olivia, what she did eventually say was the last thing Olivia had expected.

"You still love him."

Olivia blinked, looking at her sister in surprise.

She wanted to deny it. Wanted to tell Thea she was wrong. But what came out of her mouth was a very quiet, simple, "Yes."

Thea wrapped her arms around her, hugging her close as fresh tears spilled down her face.

The best part of her life on Lian Yu had been Slade and Shado. She'd thought she'd get to spend the rest of her life with them. Build a life with them.

And now the only thing she had left of either of them was her memories.


	5. This is the Calm Before the Coming Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song "The Hammer's Coming Down" by Nickelback

When the League began to frame her, trying to force her into accepting Ra's al Ghul's offer to take over command of the League, Olivia knew that her options in dealing with the man, with the League members still within the city, were few. She remembered Merlyn saying that the only way to stop Ra's was to kill him. But she'd gotten a glimpse of the man Ra's was. He was honourable and, though he was currently set on seeing her taking his place, she was certain if she could defeat him in combat that he would reconsider his decision.

That just left her to figure out _how_ to defeat him.

Merlyn hadn't been wrong when he'd said for all her experience she wasn't ready to face Ra's. He was right that she'd been training for years with the wrong weapon.

But that didn't mean she was going to let Merlyn teach her to use the right one.

He'd proven, time and time again, that he couldn't be trusted, that he was just using them for his own goals.

And since she had no idea how to get in touch with Tatsu, and she wasn't about to turn to Nyssa, who had been training Laurel, it left her with only one option.

Stealing Merlyn's plane was easier than she'd anticipated and she made certain to disable the GPS, not wanting anyone to know where she'd gone. They'd try to stop her, try to convince her to do anything but what she was planning to do.

Reaching Lian Yu she did her best to ignore the butterflies in her stomach as she made her way to the part of the island where Slade was kept. The guard was surprised to see her but didn't stop her from going down to Slade's cell. She found the man doing push ups next to his bunk and she cleared her throat as she approached, causing his head to turn, his dark gaze fixing on her immediately.

"Well," he said as he pushed himself to his feet, prowling towards the bars like a tiger in the zoo, and Olivia had to force herself to look only at his face, not his bare chest which looked just as good now as it had years ago. "I'm surprised. Two visits in a month." The corner of his mouth crooked upwards. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Miss Queen?"

She recognized his tone. He wasn't mocking her, not quite, but it was a near thing.

"I need your help."

Slade huffed as he leaned on the bar, arms passing through them, his gaze fixed firmly on Olivia.

"And why would I help you?"

"Because if you do I'll get you out of this cell and after you help me...you walk. No more purgatory. No more cell. You'll be a free man."

Slade regarded her silently for a moment before he shook his head.

"A.R.G.U.S. won't let you do that."

"You let me deal with them."

Slade shook his head. "It's got to be pretty nasty if you need my help."

"Ra's al Ghul wants me to take over the League."

Slade huffed and shook his head. "You won't do it."

"No, I won't," she said with a small nod. "But because I won't Ra's is destroying all the hard work I've done in the city. He's turned the Arrow into just another killer. And I...I can't stop Ra's with...my skills. I need help. I need...need you to teach me how to use a sword with as much skill and precision as I can manage in a short amount of time."

"You want me to help you become a killer again."

"Yes."

Slade regarded her for a moment, searching her face for something, before he shook his head.

"That guard's not just going to let you walk out of here with me, kid."

Olivia nodded before walking over to the control panel by the door, buzzing for the guard, saying she needed his help before ducking off to the side so the man wouldn't see her when he came in. The scuffle was quick, Olivia driving the man's head into the wall, rendering him unconscious, before she hit the override button to open Slade's cell. As the man prowled towards her she held her ground, watching him carefully.

"I help you become a killer again," Slade said as he drew nearer. "And you'll just let me walk away. Just like that?"

"Yes."

Slade nodded. "Alright, kid," he said with a slight grin. "I'd say we have a deal."

 

**_oOoOoOo_ **

 

They returned to Starling City and began an intense training regiment in one of the backup hideouts Olivia had, not able to take the chance of the others finding out.

It reminded Olivia of their time on the island, of Slade teaching her to fight in the first place, and when Slade kept pushing her, harder than he ever had on the island, she didn't complain. She took it. Took each bruise, each cut, each lump, she learned from each injury, each mistake.

"You're getting better," Slade said one afternoon as they took a short break, Olivia downing half a bottle of water in one go. "You might actually stand a chance against Ra's."

Olivia nodded as she set the bottle of water down and stood, stretching her muscles, twisting a bit to work out a kink in her lower back. She didn't notice the way Slade tracked her movements, didn't notice his hand twitch at his side. She reached for her sword, picking it up, the weight growing as familiar in her hand as her bow. Drawing a deep breath she turned to Slade.

"Ready for another go?"

Slade huffed, corner of his mouth lifted in a half grin, before he lifted his own swords. "Bring it on, kid."

It felt, in a way, like dancing.

They moved and struck, blocked and countered, lashing out with the skill of trained, experienced killers. The sound of steel striking steel rang throughout the air, along with their breaths and Slade's continual pointers, telling Olivia to mind her balance, her surroundings, to keep her sword up, to keep her wrist bent just so. When she finally managed to duck one of his strikes, managed to get around behind him, she didn't hesitate in driving her heel into the back of his knee, forcing him down, the blade of her sword to the back of his neck.

Slade chuckled and nodded. "Good." He turned his head slightly to grin at her. "And remember, once you have that sort of opening don't hesitate, you go for the kill because if you don't..."

Slade moved in the blink of an eye, arm sweeping back, catching Olivia by surprise as he hooked her behind the keen and knocked her off her feet. Before she could counter, or try to get to her feet, Slade was on top of her, pinning her to the floor, the blade of his sword pressed to her throat. It reminded her of the first time they'd met, when he'd caught her in the plane, thinking she was one of Fyers' goons.

"You hesitate and you die," he continued, tone just like it had been when he'd trained her on the island. "You know what Ra's is capable of, you've already had a taste of it, and if you do not keep any of that in mind you _will_ die."

Olivia gave the slightest of nods, able to feel the razor sharp edge of the blade, knowing he was right.

He slowly drew the blade away and stood, waiting for her to get back to her feet before lashing out with a strike, a strike that Olivia quickly blocked and countered. Again they settled into a dance like series of movements. They went on and one for hours. Stopping only when Slade determined she needed a break. When she tried to protest he shook his head.

"You need to rest," he said as he laid his swords on the table. "You'll do more damage than good if you keep going right now."

She nodded and placed her sword next to his. "I've still got a long way to go."

Slade nodded. "You do." He paused for a moment and regarded her. "You said Merlyn was teaching you to fight like a member of the League."

"Key word there being _was_."

"It would help if you could learn those tactics. The manoeuvres, the mind set."

She drew a deep breath and nodded. "There...There may be someone but I wouldn't put money on her helping me."

"Couldn't hurt to find out. You need all the help you can get."

She nodded again. "Give me some time. I'll see what I can find out."

It was his turn to nod and he said nothing else as he watched her grab her phone and leave not only the room but the building, knowing she didn't want any of her friends to track her there. When she returned, nearly an hour later, she wasn't alone. The woman who walked in with her had long dark hair, dark eyes and carried herself with an assured gate. He recognized her from when he'd laid siege to the city and Olivia had surprised him with backup he hadn't anticipated.

The woman regarded him for a moment before looking at Olivia. "You were right to seek help beyond Al-Saher," she said before looking back at Slade. "My name is Nyssa, daughter of Ra's al Ghul."

That clearly surprised Slade.

"You didn't mention your backup tutor was the daughter of the man you're going to try and kill," he said to Olivia, he expected more of a reaction from Nyssa, considering what he'd said, but the woman merely smiled.

"My father decided to choose an outsider to succeed him instead of his own daughter," Nyssa answered instead of Olivia. "I would help her if only for that. But Olivia has promised that when she defeats my father, when the League sees her as their new leader, she will turn control of the League over to me."

Slade looked at Olivia again. "Well," he said as he picked up a sword, about to toss it to Nyssa but she moved her coat, revealing the one on her belt. "Looks like your odds of defeating Ra's just went up a few points, kid."

Olivia grinned slightly as Nyssa drew her blade.

"Shall we begin," Nyssa asked and Slade tossed the sword to Olivia, who caught it expertly. "I want to see how much you still must learn before you can pose a true challenge to my father. Wilson will also assist. For before you get to my father you will likely have to face multiple opponents and, as I have seen for myself, though you have some skill with a blade it is not your strength."

Olivia nodded as the three of them squared off, though really it was two on one, she saw the way Slade grinned and, for a moment, she thought of how they'd used to train like this with Shado. Drawing a deep breath she focused, pushing the memories, the emotions, aside and went immediately on the offensive.

It still felt like dancing only in a different way.

Nyssa proved the unpredictable element.

Whenever Olivia made a mistake the woman was quick to correct her, always reminding her to mind her surroundings, that it was one of the first lessons Ra's taught his followers and, if he could, he would use their surroundings to his advantage. Slade would bow out for a few minutes, changing the dynamic up, keeping Olivia on her toes and then would randomly join back in. By the time Nyssa called a halt to the sparing match Olivia was out of breath, sweaty and had bruises and cuts on her bruises and cuts.

She collapsed on the floor, winded, nearly every part of her aching and she barely reacted quick enough to catch the bottle of water Slade lobbed at her.

"I would say it would take weeks, possibly months, for you to master what I learned over the course of my life," Nyssa said as she looked down at Olivia, sliding her sword back into its sheath. "But we do not have that sort of time. And this...place...is not nearly equipped enough to properly train you."

Olivia sighed as she turned the bottle around in her hands. "You're saying we need to train at the foundry."

"Yes."

"Her team may take offence to me being there," Slade snarked from where he was sitting on a table.

"They will accept it," Nyssa said as she looked over at Slade. "If only because they know, just as Olivia knows, that to stop my father she must go to extreme means. They were willing to accept Al-Saher's training and they will accept you if only to see her chances improve."

Olivia sighed and rubbed a hand over her face.

"Alright," she said as she forced herself to her feet, wincing a bit. "The foundry it is." She looked at Nyssa. "But if Diggle or Roy shoots him," she pointed at Slade without taking her eyes off Nyssa. "It's on you."

Nyssa smiled a bit even as Slade snorted.

"As you say, Olivia," Nyssa replied smoothly and Olivia shot Slade a glare when the man snorted again.

She still didn't think this was a good idea but was willing to try if it meant she got the training she needed to take Ra's down before he completely destroyed her life in his attempt to get her to take his place.


	6. Prepare Ourselves for War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song "Fight" by Icon for Hire

Slade had been right about Olivia's teammates not taking the news of him being back well. They took the news that he was helping Nyssa train Olivia to take on Ra's in about the same way. But after Olivia put her foot down, her argument strong and fierce, the team's disapproval became grumbles and angry glares, especially from Thea, who spent a lot of the training sessions watching, making certain Slade didn't do something like _accidentally_ kill her sister.

After a week Olivia could hold her own against both Nyssa and Slade and, to change things up, Nyssa suggested that Diggle, Roy and Merlyn, who had caught wind of the training sessions, likely due to a slip from Thea, should join in, to give Olivia a greater challenge. Taking down Diggle and Roy was little problem, she'd been training for them for so long she could predict their moves. It was Merlyn who was the wild card but, after three days and, several softly whispered points from Nyssa, she took everyone, herself included, by surprise when she dropped the man, the edge of her sword to his throat.

"You've improved quite a bit," Merlyn chuckled as she stepped back, slowly lowering her sword. "I'm impressed."

"I'm not doing this to impress you," Olivia growled as she turned away, stepping towards the table Thea was sitting on, needing a break only to just barely catch the flutter of movement behind her. She went to turn, catching the glint of a knife, heard Thea shout her name, barely saw Diggle draw his sidearm, but before she could lift her sword, before she could defend herself a snarl echoed through the air and Merlyn was suddenly grabbed, twisted and flipped through the air, the knife clattering against the floor as it fell from his grasp.

Olivia blinked and watched, stunned, as Slade slammed Merlyn into the floor, his sword pressed to the man's neck, a line of blood welling up, crimson standing out brightly against the black of the blade. Slade leaned down, getting right in Merlyn's face, his one dark eye blazing with fury.

"Do that again," Slade growled, voice rough like gravel. "And I'll cut your heart out and feed it to you."

Merlyn didn't flinch away from the blade, merely glared right back up at Slade.

"Interesting sentiment coming from the man who swore to kill Olivia no matter what."

Slade growled again and started to press his sword closer to Merlyn's neck before he was yanked back by Nyssa.

"He's a devil," she said, shooting Merlyn a cold glare. "But his attack served a purpose. Now Olivia knows not to turn her back on my father for, even with all his honour, he will not hesitate to do the same as Al-Saher."

Merlyn grinned as he climbed to his feet, even as he rubbed at the cut on his neck with a handkerchief from his pocket. He looked at Olivia. "You're sense of mercy will be your undoing."

Olivia didn't reply, merely turned her attention to Nyssa. "We should keep training."

Nyssa nodded before giving Merlyn a final glare and, as though nothing had happened, as though Merlyn hadn't just tried to stab her in the back, training resumed.

 

**_oOoOoOo_ **

 

Olivia was out patrolling, keeping a wary eye out for the police, since she had once again become public enemy number one thanks to Ra's and the League, when, unexpectedly, she came across Maseo, waiting on a rooftop for her.

"You've been following me," she said as she slowly approached the man who, at one time, she'd considered a dear and close friend. "Thought I lost you on Freemont."

Maseo gave her a somewhat impressed look. "Ra's al Ghul wonders if you have yet come to your senses."

"You mean he wants to know if I've changed my mind and agreed to become the next Ra's al Ghul."

Maseo gave a shallow nod.

"I will never do that, Maseo," she said calmly. "It's not who I am."

"You do not have..."

"I have a choice." She shifted her stance, arming the tracking device hidden in her boot. "But I've learned a few things about League law over the last few weeks. Such as an heir, if they deem it necessary, may challenge the current leader to take the mantle before their time."

"You are saying you wish to challenge Ra's al Ghul again." Maseo shook his head. "That did not end well for you last time."

"Things have changed." She could feel, hidden beneath her quiver, the sword she was carrying.

Maseo shook his head again. "You are a fool," he said. "But I will take you to the Demon's Head. He will decide whether to accept your challenge or not."

Olivia nodded and followed him to a warehouse across town. Ra's was waiting for them, along with a small group of League members, when the man saw her he gave a small, barely there, smile.

"Miss Queen," he greeted her as though they were old friends. "Have you finally seen reason?"

"Depends on your definition of the word." She reached up, pulling her quiver off, setting it and her bow aside. "I've come to challenge for the right to lead."

Ra's appeared surprised but then his smile widened. "You've been talking with Nyssa."

"She's very knowledgeable, especially on League law."

"You're here to challenge me." Ra's shook his head. "I've already declared you to be the next Ra's al Ghul there is no need for a challenge."

"There is if I don't want to wait for you to die to take what you've offered me."

Ra's gave her an unreadable look.

"You would risk your very life, again, to take what would be yours regardless?"

"Under League law that is my right."

Ra's sighed but nodded regardless.

"Very well, Miss Queen, if that is your choice."

She stepped back a pace when Ra's tugged his outer robe off, passing it to one of his men, tugging her jacket and shirt off, leaving her in her leathers and a black tank top.

"You are a fool," Maeso hissed at her as he stepped closer, watching with her as Ra's stripped off his shirt. "Do not do this, Olivia. I will not be able to save you this time."

She looked at him, seeing a glimmer of the man she had once known in the concern in his eyes and she gave a small smile. "You won't have to," she whispered before turning back to Ra's.

"Choose your weapon, Miss Queen," the man said to her and she barely suppressed the urge to grin as she reached beneath her quiver and drew her sword before straightening to face Ra's. She watched as the man drew his own sword, passing the sheath off to one of his men before they stepped back, forming a half circle behind Ra's and Maseo stepped off to the side.

"I am uncertain, Miss Queen, if you are being bold or foolish," Ra's said as they slowly began to circle one another. "Perhaps it is both."

Olivia said nothing, merely watched Ra's, taking measure of him. She didn't immediately go on the offensive, remembering how that hadn't exactly worked in her favour last time. Instead she kept her distance from the man, searching for an opening, searching for a sign of weakness. When she saw nothing obvious she knew she had only one choice. Drawing a deep, obvious breath, she made her move, feinting left, causing Ra's to inaccurately counter but he corrected quickly and struck out with his blade.

Olivia met his attack with one of her own.

The echo of steel striking steel filled the air.

Attack after attack. Counter after counter.

It was, much like training with Slade and Nyssa, like a dance.

But, even with her additional training, even with all Nyssa had taught her about Ra's fighting style, she was still outmatched. The only thing working in her favour was that this time they were not on a snow covered mountaintop. Her steps were even, sure, and as she twisted away from another of his strikes she kicked out, knocking the tip of his sword away with the sole of her boot.

Ra's smiled a little wider as they circled one another again.

"Nyssa has been teaching you to wield a sword," Ra's said with an approving nod. "Admirable."

Again Olivia did not reply, she remained focused, knowing what she had to do.

They came together again in a clash of steel and Olivia ducked a blow, swinging her own at his abdomen but he danced back, out of the way, before countering with an attack of his own.

They went back and forth, over and over again, until Olivia saw the opening she needed. Ducking another blow she twisted round, catching Ra's wrist and using both her momentum and his own against him, effectively disarming him even as she drove the heel of her boot to his knee, dropping him to his knees before laying both her sword and his against his neck. Forming a scissor like form as he looked up at her clearly surprised by her improvement with the sword.

"You have the right to kill me," Ra's said as around them his men twitched, their loyalty to their leader no doubt insisting they intervene but they were all sworn to obey League law. "But doing so will mean much of what you must learn, concerning League law and history, will be lost with me."

Olivia shook her head.

_"Ana hdyh lk hyatk."_

_I gift to you your life._

She spoke the words Nyssa had taught her days before. An old phrase rarely spoken by any member of the League. Spoken only when the speaker truly believed the one they had been sent to kill deserved to live instead of die as League law demanded. It was a phrase, an oath of sorts, which granted mercy and life.

Ra's eyes widened. "You would let me live when it is your right to take my life?"

"I don't want to be leader of the League," she said, keeping the blades of the swords to his neck, the warning clear. If he tried anything she would kill him even though that wasn't the path she wanted to take. "I do not want to be the next Ra's al Ghul. I am willing to trade your life for you choosing another heir."

Ra's gave a tiny grin. "And whom would you suggest?"

"Your daughter. Unless you find another you deem worthy and then you can take it up with her."

"You would throw away a great opportunity, the chance to make real change in the world, just to keep vigil over a city that once again hates and fears you?"

"My place, my duty," she replied. "Is in Starling. It doesn't matter if I'm no longer seen as a hero or a protector. I have made my decision. All that is left is for you to make yours."

Ra's studied her for a moment before giving the faintest nod.

_"Ana aqbal rhmtk."_

_I accept your mercy._

Olivia drew a deep breath and slowly, carefully drew her blades away from Ra's, laying his sword on the floor before she turned, their business finished, heading to where she had left her things only to slow when movement out of the corning of her eye caught her attention, one of the League members seemed to take offence to what she had done and, before Ra's could order the man to stand down he drew a blade, arm pulled back to throw it, to kill Olivia, only he never had the chance.

An arrow pierced the man's throat seconds before a knife embedded in his chest.

The last sound he made was a death rattle as he dropped like a puppet with its strings cut.

Olivia turned, watching as Nyssa and Slade emerged from the shadows, both dressed in full battle gear.

"You're throw was a little low," Nyssa said to Slade, who grunted behind his mask.

"Well someone's arrow got in the way," he snarked and Nyssa smiled almost proudly.

Olivia turned back to Ra's as he stood, his men wisely lowering their heads and remaining still as statues.

"Does your mercy still stand, Miss Queen?" Ra's eyed her almost curiously. "Or shall you seek revenge for the attempt on your life?"

Olivia shook her head, gathering her belongings. "Enough blood has been shed. So long as you uphold your end of our arrangement you'll experience no further trouble from me or mine."

Ra's nodded. "What of Malcolm Merlyn?"

"I believe he was given to me as a gift. With all blood debts wiped clean."

Ra's gave her a considering look. "And if I say I have changed my mind since you are no longer replacing me?"

"I will tell you what I told Nyssa when she first demanded I hand Merlyn over to face League justice," Olivia responded calmly though he gaze hardened. "So long as Merlyn is in Starling City he is under my protection."

Ra's smiled a bit before nodding before holding his hand out, his man quickly returning to him his shirt and robe. "Very well, Miss Queen," he said with another nod.

Olivia gave a nod of her own before turning to leave. She saw, from the corner of her eyes, Maseo give her a slight bow of his head, before he turned his attention to Ra's. Sighing softly she passed Slade who immediately followed her, watching as she tugged her gear back on as she moved. He didn't speak until they were out of the warehouse and on the roof of a nearby building.

"So, I suppose this means our business is finished."

She glanced at him. "I suppose so," she replied as she tapped her communicator, letting Diggle and the others know she was alright, that the Ra's problem had been dealt with and she'd be swinging back to the foundry during her patrol. Looking back at Slade she gave a slight smile. "And we had a deal. So you're free to go."

She turned away again, not wanting to watch as he left, as he walked out of her life, for good most likely, and had just taken a step, thinking to return to the foundry, when Slade spoke, quietly, but not so quietly that she missed his words.

"And what if I don't want to go?"

She stilled. Certain she'd misheard him.

Turning back she frowned. "What?"

She couldn't see his face, it was hidden by his mask, but she heard the huff of breath he let out.

"You're not deaf, kid."

"Why...Why would you want to stay?"

Slade shrugged. "Maybe I don't like the idea of people like Ra's al Ghul making you a target. And since Merlyn's sticking around and the police turned against you again you could always use another ally backing you up."

Olivia's frown deepened as she considered his words.

"You pull anything, even once," she said after a few minutes ticked by. "And I'll drop you right back in that cell on Lian Yu."

"Not much of a threat, kid."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Come on," she said as she shook her head. "Let's get back before Felicty worries herself sick."

Slade snorted but wisely remained silent as he followed after her.


	7. Your Eyes Look Like Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song "Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift (feat. Ed Sheeran)

Slade was sitting on the cot in the foundry, having been awake for a while, when he heard footsteps on the stairs. Even with the dimmed lighting he knew it was Olivia. He knew her steps, especially when she wasn't trying to be quiet, which meant she wanted to let him know she was there. He supposed she didn't want to take the chance of him accidentally attacking her if she surprised him.

As she walked through the foundry his gaze, limited as it was, followed her, tracking her movements as she got closer to the cot.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping," he asked with just a bit of snark, but, like their days together on the island, she merely smirked at him.

"I don't sleep much anymore."

Slade chuckled. "Wouldn't know what that's like." He shook his head. "So why come here? Planning on patrolling until you can't keep your eyes open any more?"

She shook her head as she leaned back against a nearby table. "For a while...before Thea came back to Starling...I was living down here. It started to feel like home after a while."

Slade let out a low huff of breath. "That explains the house plant."

Olivia chuckled. "Naw," she said with a slight shake of her head. "That was Felicity. She was trying to make it...I don't know...homier I guess."

"Plant or no plant it's still a significant step up from the plane."

They both laughed even as Olivia shook her head.

Slade grinned as he shuffled around a bit, making room on the cot before patting the now empty space beside him. She hesitated for all of a heartbeat before unfolding herself from where she was leaning and crossed to the cot. She was just as graceful as he remembered, more so now, years of training, of becoming who she'd been forced to become, turning her gate into that of a predator. She'd never admit it, probably wouldn't even want it acknowledged, but Slade thought she had never looked more beautiful. She climbed onto the cot with all the grace of a cat, body turning so she could lean back into the wall, her leg brushing against his.

Quiet settled over the foundry once again and, much like when they'd been on the island, they were comfortable with it.

He watched Olivia's eyes slip shut but didn't for a minute think she'd dozed off, her breathing was too controlled and her fingers twitched occasionally. He felt his grin slowly grow as he moved, carefully, not wanting her to think he was about to do something stupid, like attack her, he reached out, catching hold of her hand. Her eyes opened immediately, focusing on him, but she didn't do anything, merely watched him. His grin became a soft smile as he tugged gently, telling her without words to move and, as she did, sliding into the space between his now spread legs, he gently turned her so her back was pressed to his chest, his arms wrapped around her, fingertips lightly trailing up and down her arms. As she settled back against him he knew she was thinking of how he used to hold her like this on the island.

They sat like that for a long while, just like all those years ago, and when Slade looked down at Olivia he found she was smiling. Looking more content than he had seen her in quite a while.

His own smile widened as he lifted his hand, cupping her chin and turning her head slightly, seeing the slightly confused look on her face, but before she could say anything or ask what he was doing, he kissed her. A tender meeting of lips, just for a moment, and then he was softly kissing her face, her cheeks, forehead, eyelids, nose, ears and finally that beautiful mouth. It was soft, gentle, and he felt her quiver in his arms. 

_" Kei te aroha au ki a koe,"_ he breathed the words against her lips, watching the way her eyes lit up at his declaration, just like they had the first time he'd said those words to her.

_I love you._

Even in the dim light her eyes sparkled and she turned in his embrace, hands bracing against his shoulders, body fitting against him just like in his memories, like they were two pieces from the same puzzle. She kissed him, nibbling gently on his lower lip and he combed his fingers into her hair, the strands soft as silk as they tangled around his fingers. They continued trading kisses, breathing into one another, hands relearning territory once oh so familiar to them.

Slade drew back, pressing his forehead to hers, panting, their breaths still mingling and their gazes remaining locked.

_" Kei te aroha au ki a koe,"_ he whispered again, feeling her fingers run along his jaw, feeling her smile.

"I love you too," she whispered back and for the first time in a very long time Slade felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

He reached up to cup her face between his hands, thumbs sweeping over her cheeks, and he gave a small smile.

"God you are still so beautiful."

"Slade..."

"Shado would have gutted me for everything I put you through," he continued as he rubbed his thumb over Olivia's lower lip. "She'd have hated me for what I did to you in her name."

"Slade..."

"You said once that...that loving me was killing you," he said as he met her gaze. "But I think...I think loving me kept you alive. It gave you strength, reminded you of...of all you'd survived because of that love. You became a better person than I could ever have imagined you would be, kid. And I...I don't deserve you. I don't know if I ever did."

Olivia shook her head and pressed a quick kiss to his lips to silence him.

"Listen to me you...you annoyingly stubborn Kiwi," she said softly, framing his jaw with her hands. "I think it's up to me if you deserve me or not." She kissed him softly, a quick butterfly kiss, before drawing back a bit. "And I'm not going anywhere. I lost you once because I was stupid. Lost my home, my family, and lived for years feeling broken and alone. I'm not...I can't do that again, Slade. Please...Please don't ask me to do that again."

Slade twisted his fingers in her hair, using his grip to draw her closer, kissing her again, deeper and more passionately this time.

"Fresh start, kid," he whispered against her lips, smiling softly at her. "Everything's changed between us and I think we could use a fresh start. Don't you?"

Olivia chuckled and nodded.

Slade gave a nod of his own before capturing her lips again.

The past wouldn't be forgotten or dismissed, they couldn't live that way, but they could start again, could move forward together. For themselves. For Shado. For everything they had lost to anger and fear and hate.

They could have a fresh start.

Together.


End file.
